No, No, No, Aha!

Some of the most transformational work I do is one-on-one, helping someone figure out what fundamental belief they have that is holding them back or causing them grief.

What the heck is keeping them from living a huge, delicious, wonderful life?

I throw out hunches.

Sometimes my hunches are right.
Sometimes they’re wrong but head us in a more productive direction.

And sometimes the hunches need time to percolate.

It might go something like this…
Me: “I have a hunch that you think your children shouldn’t whine.”
Them: “No, I know all kids whine. That’s not the problem.”
(Feel free to insert husband, mother, boss, etc.)

The truth is, we are both on the right track.

She knows that kids whine… that’s just kids being kids.
That’s in her intelligent mind.

But somewhere underneath, there’s a thought that those kids shouldn’t whine. The reason I know that is because she has just spent five minutes talking about how the kids’ whining bothers her!

It’s not the intelligent, reasoning mind that has the thought.
The painful thought is on the layer beneath the intelligent reasoned thinking.
Our intelligent, reasoning mind says no, there really shouldn’t be a problem.

But it’s bothering you, so it’s worthy of attention.
It is worthwhile to feel better.

And that’s the beauty of life coaching. We can work on big problems like a child dying, or a not as heavy problem like your kid being snarky.
Just because you have a seemingly small problem like eating the entire bag of chips doesn’t mean it isn’t dragging you down.

Whatever the problem, be compassionate with yourself.

It’s okay if you have a thought that goes against your logic.

You have to acknowledge you have the thought before you can dissolve it.

The process is no, no, no, Aha!
No, that’s not a problem.  (Denial.)
No, I don’t logically believe that.  (I’m too smart for that.)
No, this is just an annoyance, it will go away.  (Stuff it down.)
Aha! I really do think that kids shouldn’t whine! I didn’t know I actually thought that.  I am a unique, interesting animal.

The Aha! might come an hour later or a week later.  It might not show up as an Aha, but a slow yeaaaaaah.
But it’s really cool when is comes.

And from there, my friends, we can dissolve that pain.