The holiday season is zooming towards us.
I’ve been to the stores and I see the decorations.
I see the merchandise.
And I have received the call from my in-laws about what to bring for Thanksgiving.
They want me to make something I can’t eat with my dietary restrictions. (I’m gluten-free, dairy-free… doctor’s orders.)
So, I set a firm boundary.
I told my mother-in-law that if I can’t eat it, I don’t want to cook it and bring it.
I want to have at least one thing at the all-day eat-a-thon that I can consume.
I don’t want to sit at the big table and watch everyone else eat piles of my favorites while I sip a glass of water.
I let her know that I would figure out what I want to make and get back to her.
Ha! Boundary set!
And then I CHANGED MY MIND.
Because I’m allowed to do that.
I called her a week later and told her I AM going to make green bean casserole for her.
There’s a lot of peeling in the making of mashed potatoes.
Roasting root vegetables is too laborious to do for a large group.
A green bean casserole really is quick when I don’t make the fried onions from scratch.
And then I can make myself GF spaghetti with meat sauce as a treat. Just for me.
I get excited when I think about it.
It’s a win-win.
I talk with you a lot about how to set boundaries.
I talk about the “Yes Sandwich.”
I talk about the three steps of making a request, a consequence and then enforcing the consequence.
But I don’t have to be a hard ass to have people respect me.
We are allowed to change our minds.
That’s not people pleasing.
That’s agency.
We all want more.
More money, more relationships, more heightened experiences… wanting more is how we are wired.
But consider what can you subtract.
Are there people who are toxic to your wellbeing you could release from your life?
If you had only half the stuff in your top dresser drawer, do you think you could finally find matching socks?
If you choose a smaller home… just the size you need, no more… what could you do with the extra rent/mortgage/property tax money?
Maybe you can subtract a few of the obligations you have said yes to, creating some white space in which to live.
Fill in the blanks:
Less worry is more…
Less on my calendar is more…
Less chaos is more…
Less stuff is more…
What could you subtract from your life that would actually give you more?
So, you are in a difficult situation.
Emotions are off the charts.
Something is wrong and someone else has done something incredibly stupid.
You are about to explode or implode.
To talk yourself down off the proverbial ledge, try asking yourself these three questions:
#1 – “What do I want to believe and feel about this situation?”
Peel back the layers.
Instead of a knee-jerk reaction which is normal for humans, take a step back and decide what you WANT to believe and feel.
If your coworker has blamed their mistakes on you, you are perfectly justified in thinking they are a lowlife and being angry with them. You might even yell at them.
But how do you WANT to feel?
You probably don’t enjoy feeling angry.
Do you want to believe that the world is going down the tubes or that somewhere in this situation is an opportunity for growth?
Maybe you want to believe that there are now grounds for firing your coworker. (Which could spark some satisfaction on your part.)
Maybe you want to believe that your coworker needs compassion since they are playing the sad blame game. (Which means you feel compassion.)
Let how you want to feel drive your choices.
Which brings me to the second question…
#2 – “What thought serves me?”
I love this thought.
It doesn’t matter if you are justified in thinking something.
The litmus test: Does the negative thought bring you down or lift you up?
I’m not suggesting you wear rose colored glasses.
I am suggesting you figure out what you want… what you truly want… and make choices that help you be that version of yourself.
Which brings me to the third question…
#3 – “Who do I want to be?”
Do you want to be the person who is focused on grudges or sees the bigger picture?
Do you want to be someone who lets the actions of other people determine how the day is going to go?
Are you going for sage and wise or brilliant and powerful?
Or passive and quiet quitting?
There are no wrong answers.
There are only answers that serve you and answers that don’t.