You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Sometimes it feels like life doesn’t give us any choices.
And yet, we always have choices.
“Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”
Listen close.
Honor it.
That is your compass.
If it feels like love… if it feels like freedom… you know that is the choice to make.
And when the world calls to you, be quiet enough to hear it.
You are probably used to “white knuckling” it when you are trying to change a habit.
You grab on tight until your knuckles turn white. You are grinning and bearing it until you make it through to the other freakishly distant side.
You want to change this habit.
What you secretly want is for change to be easy.
What you REALLY want is to change without feeling bad.
Here’s the reality:
Change often hurts. It’s uncomfortable. It’s sometimes painful, but usually at least uncomfortable.
And you are hardwired to avoid discomfort.
Internal dialog:
“I’m going to make this birthday cake for my friend, and I’m not going to eat a bite of it, even though it’s my favorite too.“
This feels sucky. I feel deprived. I get a bit pouty when I’m trying to white knuckle my way through a habit change. I’m sure that’s enjoyed by everyone around me too. Sorry, guys.
The kicker is that pushing through doesn’t work for the long-term.
All that pain and no gain.
So, here’s the thing…
In order to create long-term, lasting change, you will still do that thing that makes you uncomfortable, like stopping smoking or eating less or whatever.
And it will still be uncomfortable.
But, instead of gritting your teeth and white knuckling it and trying to NOT FEEL THE BAD FEELING,
Don’t fight it.
Relax into the discomfort.
Feel the uncomfortable feeling and stay in that moment.
Don’t ignore it or distract yourself.
That’s the trick.
Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable and don’t try to escape it.
In THAT moment, you will make a small degree of change.
Do that often enough, and you will make real, permanent change.
New internal dialog:
“I am baking this cake for my friend because I choose to do it for her. I don’t have to, but I choose to. And I am feeling a bit jealous. OK, a lot jealous. And deprived. And that’s really interesting. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Not hunger, but tensing, like the beginning of a knot. I feel it in my sinuses, like a precursor to crying. That’s an interesting feeling… all tingly. I’m going to stand here for a moment and feel how my body is reacting. And it’s OK that this is happening. Noticing how my body feels is all part of changing.”
The secret ingredient of change is accepting how you are feeling, even when it’s sucky.
And keep in mind that most change doesn’t go on forever.
It’s just the transition.
It’s for a limited time.
Also, I doubt if your habit involves something truly painful, like sawing off a limb.
It’s more like water splashed in your face.
It’s feeling the desire for coffee.
Or feeling the craving for a smoke.
You can do this.
Some of the most transformational work I do is one-on-one, helping someone figure out what fundamental belief they have that is holding them back or causing them grief.
What the heck is keeping them from living a huge, delicious, wonderful life?
I throw out hunches.
Sometimes my hunches are right.
Sometimes they’re wrong but head us in a more productive direction.
And sometimes the hunches need time to percolate.
It might go something like this…
Me: “I have a hunch that you think your children shouldn’t whine.”
Them: “No, I know all kids whine. That’s not the problem.”
(Feel free to insert husband, mother, boss, etc.)
The truth is, we are both on the right track.
She knows that kids whine… that’s just kids being kids.
That’s in her intelligent mind.
But somewhere underneath, there’s a thought that those kids shouldn’t whine. The reason I know that is because she has just spent five minutes talking about how the kids’ whining bothers her!
It’s not the intelligent, reasoning mind that has the thought.
The painful thought is on the layer beneath the intelligent reasoned thinking.
Our intelligent, reasoning mind says no, there really shouldn’t be a problem.
But it’s bothering you, so it’s worthy of attention.
It is worthwhile to feel better.
And that’s the beauty of life coaching. We can work on big problems like a child dying, or a not as heavy problem like your kid being snarky.
Just because you have a seemingly small problem like eating the entire bag of chips doesn’t mean it isn’t dragging you down.
Whatever the problem, be compassionate with yourself.
It’s okay if you have a thought that goes against your logic.
You have to acknowledge you have the thought before you can dissolve it.
The process is no, no, no, Aha!
No, that’s not a problem. (Denial.)
No, I don’t logically believe that. (I’m too smart for that.)
No, this is just an annoyance, it will go away. (Stuff it down.)
Aha! I really do think that kids shouldn’t whine! I didn’t know I actually thought that. I am a unique, interesting animal.
The Aha! might come an hour later or a week later. It might not show up as an Aha, but a slow yeaaaaaah.
But it’s really cool when is comes.
And from there, my friends, we can dissolve that pain.