Oh boy, this holiday is just begging for me to talk about shadow beliefs.

Life coach Debbie Ford coined the phrase “Shadow Belief”. A shadow belief is an unconscious belief that influences our entire lives, tells us what we can and can’t do, and drives our behaviors.
These are beliefs we have that we don’t even realize we have.
They shape us.
But since we don’t usually know we have them, it’s hard to change them.

Example? Of course I have an example.
I recently figured out that I have the shadow belief that I think my role is to be a “tough gal”.  That means I am the one you can always rely on.  If I say I will serve on your committee or meet you for coffee, my word is my bond.  I will be there or die trying.

While this normally seems like a really good quality (that’s why we often have beliefs) I can see now that sometimes it’s been my downfall.

If a better solution to a problem comes along, I am unlikely to take it since I have already made a commitment and changing might upset someone else.
If I realize I have overcommitted, I will soldier on through (thus the phrase “or die trying”) rather than risk someone thinking less of me, and tarnishing my reputation.
And the funny thing is, they may not even mind… they may be relieved too… or they may be very balanced and know that sometimes people have to set boundaries and change their plans. (That’s obviously not me.)

I am merely guessing at what someone else thinks or believes.  I don’t really know.

I can only take care of myself.  And be compassionate and kind to everyone involved.

A few weeks ago I had the flu.  It turned out to be the bad kind (flu A… who knew there were letters?).  I had a job that morning with the Center for Intentional Leadership.  Fun people.  Didn’t want to let them down.  Normally I would have shored up all my reserves and pushed on through.

But luckily for all, I didn’t.

I apologized to them, and went straight to the Urgent Care.

I am so proud of myself for canceling.
I probably would have given the flu to the eight people I was working with and they would have each missed several weeks of work.

OK… actually, I still feel a little anxious for canceling, but I’m a happy work in progress.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.

What a relief to let myself off the hook.
I don’t have to be the tough gal.
It doesn’t mean I won’t still be reliable.
It just means I may be a little more human.

So there you have it. If you have hit a wall and can’t seem to go over it or get around it, it’s probably a shadow belief.
Go find your shadow beliefs this Groundhog Day.

If you can name it, you can change it.

A true belief never hurts.

A false belief hurts.

This is powerful stuff.

“I need to be home when my kids get home from school.”

I don’t know why I am hanging on to this one so hard, but that is a false belief. It hurts when I think I am not being the kind of parent I want to be.

It leads into a litany of false beliefs I have about parenting…
A good parent makes healthy lunches.
A good parent keeps them on track, doing their best.
A good parent spends quality time with her kids.

A true belief for me, is,
“I am doing my best as a parent for me and my children.”
Or even simpler, “I am trying.”
When I don’t make the best choice or best decision, it stings in the moment, but it doesn’t really hurt down deep. I am making mistakes from a place of love and trying. Those thoughts/mistakes sting so that I notice and make course corrections, but they don’t cut deep.

False beliefs come from other people and society. False beliefs come from “Everybody”. Like, “Everybody is sending their kids to summer camp.”
I’m feeling the guilt.
Guilt is a great indicator of a false belief.

True beliefs never hurt, they are just informational. False beliefs hurt, and bring that belief to the surface to be swept away.

If you believe you deserve abuse, it stays with you because you believe it.

If someone attacks you and you don’t believe it, it just goes past you. It smarts a little, but it won’t hurt you.
For example, if someone says, “You are the worst cousin anyone has ever had!” it wouldn’t bother me at all; in fact I would be confused. I have no cousins. It might smart because they are yelling at me and hurling insults, but it wouldn’t really hurt.
Something that is not true, will not hurt.

Once again, your body is a great compass for discerning false beliefs.

If it hurts… if it causes pain… examine that belief.
And if you find it to be false, replace it with a true one.