I love what Brené Brown has to say about Shame…

Guilt is… you did a bad thing.

Shame is… you are bad.

Shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.

And when you start naming the cause of your shame and talking about it with people who have earned the right to hear these stories in your life, it dissipates, because shame only works when it keeps you in this false belief that you are alone.

I think we carry shame in our bodies just like we carry trauma in our bodies.  One of the interesting studies on this was from James Pennebaker at the University of Texas at Austin.  He studied trauma, expressive writing, and physical wellness.  What he found is that for people who held on to  a secret of trauma – because of shame or because of guilt – keeping that secret had a worse effect on their physical well-being than the actual traumatic event.

How to be Shame Resilient:

Everyone is going to experience feelings of shame, yet we can become more “shame resilient”.  People with a higher level of the shame resilience characteristic can lead to deeper connections with themselves and others.  There are four traits that shame resiliant people had in common:

THEY KNOW WHAT SHAME IS.  “They talk about the feelings, they ask for what they need.  And they don’t call it embarrassment, they don’t call it guilt, they don’t call it self-esteem – they call it shame.

THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT ACTIVATES THEIR FEELINGS OF SHAME.  For example, I can expect to be triggered as soon as I feel like I have disappointed someone or let them down.  I am going to have a mental tape playing “you are not enough”.  But because I am expecting it, I can greet it and say, “I get it, but not this time.”

THEY PRACTICE CRITICAL AWARENESS.  Is it really true that my worth hinges on making someone else happy?

THEY REACH OUT.  I might call a good friend and say, “Hey, this guy’s has been asking me to speak at a conference, but it’s on Charlie’s birthday.  I said no and he got upset.  I know I did the right thing, yet I am feeling like I am not good enough.”

Shame can’t survive being spoken. Talking cuts shame off at its knees.

aka – How to be an awesomeness magnet.

I know you still have a little holiday hangover from the chocolate/nacho binge, so I am going to give you the easy peasy way to make New Year’s Resolutions that work.

1.     Step away from the dark chocolate.

2.     Write a list of the top six things you want:

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Now, chances are you put things on your list like get a new job, change my husband, or change the laws about muzzling the children. But those aren’t what you actually wanted. You wanted the feeling you get from those things.

So write the list again, but use the feeling state you want:

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These should be something like security, deep joy, sanity, etc.

Then, write a list of ways to bring these feelings into your life right now:  (Why wait?)

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Yes, there is effort involved, but that will make it all the sweeter.

And remarkably, once you have the feelings in your life, it draws the things you want into your life like a magnet.

I’m positive.
(A little magnet humor.)

I let my 15-year-old daughter go to New York City for four days.
Over New Year’s Eve.

Originally the deal had been that she could go visit her friend by herself, (well, with another 15-year-old… better or worse?) with the caveat that she wouldn’t go to Times Square for New Year’s Eve.

Well, things got all busy with the hubbub around my son’s knee surgery, so it wasn’t until she was up there, and it was New Year’s Eve, and plans had changed and she WAS at Time’s Square that I had time to stop and think about it.

I had been originally worried that she would get separated from the group in the freezing cold and not be able to find her way back to her friend’s apartment.

But now it was the Eve, and I switched on the TV around 11:30, and suddenly the light flicked on in my head: obvious terrorist target.

Jees.

Worry had reared its ugly head.

Worry never helps anyone.

I know you think it does, but it doesn’t.

Worry just FEELS like we are doing something about something.

Somewhere I believe that if I worry enough, that hyper vigilance will lead me to think of the one thing that could save my baby girl.

Now, I know that it feels like if you worry, you have some sort of control over the situation.

But you don’t.

The truth is, you have no control.

You can only make decisions and take action.

The truth is, if you raise your blood pressure/increase your heart rate, can’t focus, breath shallowly and bite your fingernails (aka worry) you are less likely to make the right decisions and take helpful action.

So, what could I have done?

1. Called my daughter and panic her, and lead her to shallow breathing and make poor decisions.
2. Use my mind control over any possible terrorists who made it through the police barriers and checkpoints to wrestle them to the ground.
3. Call the NYC police and block the phone lines that people with real emergencies need.
4. Enjoy New Year’s Eve with my cutie-pie husband and son.

It has taken some practice to slide from my scary thought right into d. , but that’s what this coaching stuff is all about.

I’m loving it!